The Remote Controller
The Controlling Man
There is a thin line between love and control. Does he constantly tell you when and how to do something, and accredits it to being concerned about you? During a girl’s night out, he calls you several times or wants you to call several times to check in, and claims he wants you to be safe? Is your wardrobe selection a reflection of his taste instead of your own because he picks and chooses the clothes he thinks is best for you?
After a hard day of work (cooking, cleaning and tending to three small children), I often enjoyed a good reading selection such as articles within Essence magazine or a Walter Mosley suspense novel. Once arriving home from a hard day of work (Dollinger Steel or whichever job he was lucky enough to secure that week), Daniel would walk through the door and take a quick glance at me reading my magazine or book. Next he would walk over to me and snatch whatever I’m reading out of my hands. Then in a swift robotic motion, stomp to the garbage can and loudly slam it in.
Every time he came home and saw me reading my favorite selection, he got infuriatingly angry. Automatically, he would proceed to one of three actions: throw the magazine or book into the trash, tear it into pieces or hide it. The method of removal depended on the mood of his mind when he got home from work. Eventually, I stopped reading all together because the daily consequences became too much to bare.
His “rational” reason for not allowing me to read was because I paid more attention to reading then I did to him. The irrational reason was absolutely absurd since the inattentiveness occurred while he was at work. The reality of the real reason he did not want me to read was simple: CONTROL.
Forbidding me to read was not the only warning sign that he was controlling. New clothes purchased without his prior knowledge and approval resulted in the same fate as the magazines and books. The new clothing ended up in the trash, shredded or removed from my possession. My Posner cosmetics and make- up faced the same destiny: trashed, broken to pieces or stashed away from me. When I returned even a minute later than he allowed from visiting friends or grocery shopping, my face was trashed, ripped and then hidden so no one could see the bruises.
Overcoming a relationship based on control requires explicit action steps. A major first step involves the recognition between a controlling and caring relationship. When someone does not include your own viewpoints in decisions about you, that is control. Acknowledge that a relationship of care allows mutual, two- way communication about all decisions.
Another key move to break away from controlling connections with others consists of Checking Your “self”. A healthy development of self- esteem and self- love provides healthy reinforcement and support necessary to standup to someone who does not value or respect your individuality. A negative self- image opens the door to toxic relationships. Build positive feelings, thoughts and concepts about yourself, your life and your goals.
According to Andrea Bonior Ph.D, “Preparedness and predictability equal power”. Having someone else push the buttons that control your life is not a pleasant way to wake up every morning. Take back the remote control to your life and determine your own pathways and daily decisions. Have the option to make the decisions that promote your growth and well- being.
Ø Are you not sure about the warning signs of a controlling relationship?
Visit https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-your-partner-is-controlling for more information about the warning signs.
For a one- on- one session providing action steps to overcome controlling relationships, contact GinMan Consulting @ (281)904-6483 or email firstname.lastname@example.org.
Bonior, Andrea PhD. (2016). Psychology Today. “7 Steps to Breaking Free of a Controlling Partner”. website.